Ah, social media – a wonderful way to connect with former acquaintances (while crying because everyone has a better life than you), rekindle old high school flames, stalk your ex boyfriend, stalk your ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend, stalk your potential new lover, stalk your potential new lover’s friends, and…okay I’ll stop now.
These days, thanks to social media, your potential new lover’s reputation arrives before they do, often messing with your chemistry before you go on a first date. Below are the top 10 ways social media can ruin your relationship before you even get the chance to.
1. Instagram Status
Before date one, you have to ask yourself a critical question: Will pictures of you and your hypothetical new lover be a hit on Instagram? If the answer is no, how can he possibly be the one?
2. Instagram Stalking
Before meeting up for the first time, you do the rational thing and commit to learning all about your potential new lover…by cyber stalking, of course. It’s all a blur but the next thing you know, you end up on his brother’s girlfriend’s best friend’s cousin’s maid’s dog’s page—and then you’re back to his page accidentally liking a picture from 65 weeks ago because at this point you’re totally delirious. You must then deactivate your account and start a new life in China.
Once, I stalked a potential lover’s page by combing through the list of people he was following (yes, people do this). When I discovered his ex’s page, I felt like I hit the goldmine! I spent the next four straight hours stalking her. Unfortunately, since I was half asleep, I accidently followed her! Then I freaked out and unfollowed her. But then I freaked out AGAIN and re-followed her because maybe she’d already gotten a notification that I’d followed her. Then I felt creepy and unfollowed her again. Next, I threw my phone on the floor and sat quietly on my couch, staring at the wall and screaming internally while processing what had just happened.
3. Sluts on Instagram
Modeling contracts have officially been replaced by self-congratulatory Instagram bios, which not-so-subtly boast titles like “fitness model,” “fashion connoisseur,” “lingerie model,” and so on. Thanks to Instagram filters, plenty of Photoshop apps, and numerous amateur photographers, anyone can now be an Instagram model (something I totally aspire to until I put a bathing suit on and then I’m like NVM). These Instagram models are ubiquitous, so rest assured that your boyfriend (or someone you consider your boyfriend even if he doesn’t know it yet) follows them all. A perfect example is Jen Selter:
“Butt” who cares, right? Guess what… your boyfriend does.
4. Not Liking Your Pictures On Instagram
You’ve been talking for a week now and you really feel like he might be the one. You decide to spice things up by posting a fire selfie so he knows just what a beautiful trophy wife you’ll make one day. You take 75 pictures and narrow it down to the perfect shot and then Photoshop that shit, slap 13 filters on it, and run it by all your friends for approval before posting.
You’re ready for that key like from the guy you’re seriously dating (even if he doesn’t know it yet). If you’re lucky, you might even get a comment. So now you wait (you’re patient like that). And wait. But nothing! He doesn’t like it, and he doesn’t comment. You question whether you should have chosen another picture, but then you stop yourself and laugh it off because he’s probably busy and hasn’t been on Instagram that day. Two minutes later, you throw that optimism out the window and decide to stalk him to see whether he’s liking anyone else’s pictures, which brings us to the next topic.
5. Likes And Comments On Instagram
Just when you think everything is going swell with your potential new lover, you open up Instagram, click on the activity page, and boom—you see that your future baby daddy has been liking pictures of Instagram models and commenting that Margret ‘sure looks wonderful in her undies’ instead of liking your picture. WTF! Obviously, the next logical step is to stalk Margret, cry for two hours while shoving comfort food down your throat, and send screenshots to your friends weeping over what a cheater your man is (even though you haven’t even gone on your first date yet).
6. Not Posting Pictures With You On Instagram
You’ve now been on two dates with your potential new lover, and you think he’ll do just fine. You actually don’t even know if you like him yet, but hey…it’s the holidays and it sure would suck to spend them alone. You notice that Janet has a ton of pictures on Instagram with her boyfriend (granted, they’ve been dating for five years, but so fucking what!). It’s not about Janet, it’s about you…and you’re tired of only posting pictures with your cat.
You start stalking the pages of anyone who’s ever appeared in a photo with your potential new lover because you happen to have five hours to spare. Five hours later, you’ve convinced yourself that he’s slept with any girl he’s ever posted a picture with, including his third cousin, Becky. What is he hiding? Why hasn’t he posted any pictures of you two?! The obvious, logical next step is to text him a 10-paragraph essay about your feelings, because you have every right to be upset… right?? Right!
7. Not Texting You Back But Being Active On Instagram
You and your guy have managed to move past some of the Instagram obstacles, but for whatever reason he’s not responding to any of the last 12 texts you sent, all of which are photos of your cat taken at slightly different angles. It’s been three minutes and he hasn’t confirmed your pussy’s adorableness with 12 emojis. I mean, if he’s not going to appreciate your cat, what’s the point of all that wedding planning you’ve been doing via Pinterest!?
Sure, he could be working or sleeping but you don’t have time to think so sensibly, so you take matters into your own hands. You pray, for his own health and safety (and your sanity), that he hasn’t been active on Instagram. But nope, he just followed some girl. Your heart drops, your day is ruined, you post 10 sad quotes on Instagram, Tweet a breakup song, cut your hair, and pledge to revenge fuck his brother (he only has a sister, but fuck it, she’ll do), all within the span of 5 minutes. You even text all your friends that it’s over and you hate him. But wait….OMG! He just responded! False alarm, everyone.
8. Is Chivalry Dead?
Dating is super tricky in an era in which most guys consider texting a girl “sup” at 2AM a romantic gesture. It’s hard to connect when people would rather hit you up on social media than pick up the phone and call you like they did in the good ol’ days (remember landlines?!?! LOL)
These days, dating goes like this: Your crush hits on you on a dating app, so you add him on Facebook; he “pokes” you, so you add him on Instagram; he DM’s you for your number, you wait 10 minutes and nothing happens, so you add him on Snapchat and watch his Snap story; then he retweets you, so you watch his periscope to see what he’s up to; then he sends you a message on Whatsapp to Skype or Ichat later but you accidently miss his Skype call so you get his email from LinkedIn and email him apologizing but he doesn’t respond, so you stalk his activity on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, and Linkenin to see if he’s ignoring you. At this point you’re exhausted but just as you’re about to give up on him altogether, you notice that he Snapped you. You’re so excited you could shit yourself but you don’t. Instead, you open up the snap with your BFF Linda to see what romantic message he’s sent. It’s his dick. He sent you a dick pic. God bless 2016 romance.
9. Snapchat Screenshot
One night you have seven drinks too many and decide to spice it up by sending your future ex husband a nude. It’s only fair that he gets to see your titties after that aggressive dick pic from a few days before. Plus, Snapchat pictures get erased after a few seconds, so what could possibly go wrong?! The next morning you wake up as hungover as @daddyissues_ on any given day, with a notification that a screenshot was taken by no other than your bae.
10. Tinder And Other Dating Apps
If the screenshot of your bare nipples wasn’t bad enough, your friend Jennifer decides to rain on your parade by revealing the fact that she saw your man on Tinder and seven other dating apps with a quote in his description that says “Two things I’m good at: Fucking and fighting.” You are now officially one fuckboy away from getting 79 cats and calling it a day.
The truth is… you’re gonna die alone.
Just kidding! The truth is, whether we like to admit it or not, we’ve all fallen victim to this social media cycle. We no longer have the ability to get to know each other naturally and let things take their course. Instead, we let social media take the driver’s seat and we’re at its merciless control, just like Charlie Sheen in his tiger blood days. If that isn’t bad enough, social media makes it so easy for us to meet new people every second of the day that it’s virtually impossible to stay in a committed relationship once you manage to weasel your way into one. Maybe sitting at home in our pj’s every Friday night swiping left perpetually is what life is all about.
Cheer up, buttercup! Because we’re all in the same boat, and there’s a place for people like us! It’s called the bar, where you can drink till you feel loved. Join me!
