Every year, as December rolls around, I tend to eat my feelings more than usual. My tears are obviously caught by the bottle of wine I’m always holding, but still. The thing about my December angst is that it isn’t caused by the typical reasons—like celebrating another year as a single girl, or another year still hung up on my ex. Nope. It actually has to do with TV. Specifically, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show that airs around then.
This past year, however, I decided something had to change—that it was my time to shine! And if I wanted to gain my self-confidence back, what better way to do that than to become a Victoria’s Secret model? If not for real, then I could at least act like one.
Those long-legged VS models are flawless. They are tall beautiful angels with 0% body fat who live the lives of rock stars. I admire their confidence and how all eyes are on them the minute they enter a room, even when they’re not half naked.
After countless hours of research and diving 173-weeks deep into Insta-model stalking, I realized that I needed to achieve three things in order to be almost exactly like a VS model.
1. Find the perfect model squad (looking at you, Taylor Swift).
2. Have a good diet.
3. Work out like the models.
First, I needed to achieve model-grade #squadgoals. It’s no secret that these models hang around other beautiful models who can also pull off wearing a potato sack and still look sexy.
Since I didn’t know any models, my best shot was to recruit a modern day girl squad made up of top fashion bloggers and funny girls. Careful not to reveal my ulterior motives, I zeroed in on some truly amazing women. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to be them or be in them, but is there even a difference really? Sure enough, all it took to lure them was a night out marked most notably by the 16 shots we took and all of the embarrassing moments they swore me to secrecy about in exchange for friendship. With nothing but regrettable moments that can’t be undone as bait, I successfully befriended the perfect ride-or-die squad starring: Aimee Song, Brittany Furlan, Dani Song, Danielle Bernstein and Shea Marie. Dream squad goals complete!
The next step was to focus on my diet. It’s a given that in order to be a VS model, I’d have to look like one. My trainer recommended a no-carb diet but unfortunately for me, I was drunk when he told me that. I could’ve sworn he said I’d have to abide by an all-carb diet, which is exactly what I did instead! I deserve a little credit for that, don’t I? For six months straight, I stuck to my all-carb diet and ate nothing but pasta, bread, pizza, cheese, desserts, you name it.
My diet consisted of:
Breakfast: crying over a picture of myself in a bathing suit, eating half a of a $12 granola bar.
Lunch: licking an apple
Pre dinner snack: two almonds
Dinner: 12 tacos, 2 pizza pies, 24 spicy chicken wings, spaghetti, 2 bottles of wine, my neighbor’s child (he was super annoying anyway), plus the kid’s cookies.
Post dinner snack: 74 donuts and 1 cake (correct, not a slice but the whole cake).
My goal was to lose 15 pounds and after six months of hard work, I am proud to say that I only have 25 more pounds to go! With my diet on track, I achieved the look of a chubbier version of a VS model, which brings me to the final step.
The last piece to the VS model puzzle was working out like Khloe on Kanye’s Workout Plan. I noticed that during the year leading up to the show, these models commit to an intense workout regimen that usually includes boxing and ballet. Since I looked like a chubby teletubby in a leotard, I chose to stick to boxing.
VS models are known to film their boxing routines and post them on Instagram so millions of people such as myself can drool over their mad skills. This made me realize that the key to working out is to show all my followers how hard I train via social media. I mean, there was really no point for me to work out unless it was going up on Instagram so everyone could know that I work out while they’re sitting on their asses eating chips.
Naturally, I hired a boxing coach from Prevail Los Angeles and began training for six months in order to make the perfect Instagram video. This was the final step I needed to take to become one of the VS models or at least feel like one, so you can imagine there was a lot riding on this video. After training for a about one week out of the six months I paid for, the day came when I was finally ready to shoot:
Once I punched my boxing coach in the face for some pizza, it was clear that working out was more dangerous than I thought, and that maybe it wasn’t for me.
In the end, after trying so hard to be like a Victoria Secret model, it felt like I had a chip on my shoulder—literally and figuratively. I had fucking chip crumbs everywhere from attempting to maintain my all-carb diet. I realized that it wasn’t that easy to be a VS model after all, and that I was much happier being me than trying to pretend to be someone I clearly wasn’t.
I just can’t deprive myself of being who I really am: A girl who enjoys carbs and would rather stay home for some Netflix and fart than count calories daily and work out twice a day in order to maintain 0% body fat. I also learned that I needed to accept myself for who I am and understand that my imperfections make me just as beautiful as any VS model.
If only I ran on the treadmill as fast as I ran after boys who are emotionally unavailable and aren’t interested, I would look like a Victoria’s Secret model by now anyway.
