There’s no way to sugar coat this: The club bathroom is a strange place. You know that sinking feeling when a creepy dude who’s been offering you drinks all night somehow finds you again, just when you thought you’d lost him for good? Entering the parallel universe that is the girl’s bathroom is kind of like that, but worse.
The ladies’ room at the club is a lot like Vegas in that whatever happens there stays there since everyone’s too drunk to remember anything about it the next day. But it’s also a lot like the zoo in that you encounter so many fucking bizarre species inside.
Here are the 10 different types of girls you’re bound to meet in the club bathroom:
1. The Drunk Girl Crying In The Corner Over Her Ex.
You have your own shit to worry about but you can’t help overhearing the chick in the corner screaming at the top of her lungs into her cell phone, leaving a series of voicemails for her ex-boyfriend that would be highly entertaining if they weren’t so damn pitiful. She starts off with a promise to kill him, but by the 15th message she’s confessing her undying love.
You feel so bad for this girl, hoping for her sake that her battery is about to die so she can stop embarrassing herself. You even look around for a grownup who might be able to escort her home and put some food in her mouth so she can sober up and finally shut the fuck up. At one point, you even generously attempt to bestow some wisdom on her, but it’s clear from her inability to register your presence, let alone your brilliance, that you’re roughly 13 drinks too late for that.
2. The Girl Who Got Way Too Fucked Up And Is About To Throw Up
She walks into the bathroom looking like a hot mess—lipstick smeared, cross-eyed, and barely able to walk. After staring in the mirror for a while trying to fix her face, which is way beyond repair at this point, she professes her love to the stranger standing right next to her. Before she can finish whatever she’s saying, though, she has to run to the nearest stall to puke her brains out. Luckily for everyone else, she leaves the fucking door wide open so we can all enjoy the show. At this point no one wants to go anywhere near that toilet, which works out great for her since she’s already decided it’s the perfect spot to take a nap.
3. The Obnoxiously Friendly Girl
You’re not sure where she came from but you sure are thankful for her. This girl loves EVERYTHING about you. She’s clearly had one too many but you don’t care because she lovesssss your hair and she thinks you’re SO pretty and you soak it all in because you had a pretty shitty workweek. She takes a few pictures with you and even asks you to be in her Snapchat, which makes you feel like the celeb you’ve always secretly felt you deserve to be.
You’re super flattered—but only until you make a few more trips to the bathroom and realize that this bitch never leaves, and that she’s pulling the same shit with every other girl who waits in line to pee. You wonder if she even has any friends at the club, and whether you mean anything to her at all. Probably not, you’re forced to realize.
4. The Non-stop Snap-chatter
This girl has to document every single moment in the bathroom, including her friend peeing. The concept of TMI and personal space are totally foreign to her. She has 10 followers on Snapchat and feels obligated to share her entire world with them. No one is safe from her phone, or from her annoying rants to her snapchat “fans” about how annoyed she is with the world, mostly because your outfit doesn’t match. She voices her disapproval of your clothing as you stand right there, and she doesn’t even skip a beat when you look at her like, “Bitch, you know I can hear you, right?”
5. The Lying Bitch Who Wants To Cut
This bitch will try every trick in the book to cut the line. She’ll approach a stranger pretending to know them so she can jump ahead. Or she’ll march right up to the front of the line and say something ridiculous, like: “OMG I’m going to throw up,” or “I’m pregnant and I’m going into labor,” or “I am in the witness protection program and need to hide in the bathroom right this second,” or “I have 2,000 Instagram followers and I’ll give you a shout-out if you let me cut.” When none of that works, she’ll actually bring a friend over to vouch for her lies. 99% of the time no one buys her BS, and she eventually gives up.
6. The Bathroom Hogging BFFs
Every club bathroom has them. The BFF’s that do literally everything together, and going to the bathroom is no exception. Not only do they have a photo shoot in the bathroom and a gossip session in front of the sink as you are trying to use it but they also hog a bathroom stall for at least 20 minutes so they can watch each other pee, take more pics, analyze each other’s texts, and do some drugs without leaving each other’s side.
7. The Girl Applying 50 Shades Of Too Much Makeup
If you didn’t know any better you would think this girl brought a full suitcase of makeup with her. She hogs the mirror for 30 minutes, during which time she keeps reapplying the same shit. You ask her politely to move a little but she pretends not to hear you as she continues to cake shit onto her face. Right as you’re about to leave, she glances over at you, but just when you think she’s finally about to move the fuck over so you can fix your ugly, she asks to borrow your lipstick instead.
8. The Drunk Girl Who Mistakes The Bathroom For The Actual Club
This girl is LIT AF and if the bathroom was a high school she would definitely be voted “The Life Of The Party.” Not only is she everything you ever wanted to be from the confidence she exudes to her fashion sense but she is also super nice and her fun attitude is almost contagious. Every other song that comes on is somehow her “jam” and at one point she even twerks on the bathroom attendant while waiting for her friends to finish peeing. Hell, you would even join her dance party for one if you weren’t too busy Instagram stalking your crush.
9. The Girl Ready To Fight Literally Everyone
Whether she does it or not, she lets everyone in the restroom know that tonight’s about to go down. You’re not really sure who pissed her off or if she’s just super hungry but you’re way too scared to even look in her general direction since she’s clearly a ticking time bomb on the verge of exploding on someone. This is clearly a case of “lack of dick” or “lack of food” or both, and you’d rather not be the target of her rage.
10. The Girl Who Needs To STFU Already
This girl just. Won’t. Stop. Talking. She’s either gossiping with her friends about what a bitch Becky, Jackie, Jennifer, Karen and, gosh, even Rachel are. Or she’s babbling about how awesome she is. Basically everyone else sucks and is obviously jealous of her perfect life. You want to slap this girl back into reality and let her know that she has no haters and her 900 followers on Instagram don’t actually count as fans.
