Feeling Like A Puppet

March 15, 2017 by Violet Benson

I used to tell my ex that my biggest fear was being boring and he would always reply: “Boring is one thing you are definitely not.”

I don’t think he understood what I meant.

 Every day I wake up and I put on a show. I give people what they want. Every time I meet someone—whether it’s work related, a new friend, or a fan—I wonder: Who does this person want me to be? Once I figure it out, like a puppet, I act it out.

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Some days I’m a party girl who’s a mess and loves to black out. Other days, I’m this beautiful made up doll (after hours of hair and makeup and Photoshop), so girls can wonder why they don’t look like me and worship the unrealistic person I’m portraying. Some days I’m a forever-alone cat lady. Other days, I’m a dick-loving slut even though I haven’t actually dated a guy let alone fucked one in nearly a year. I guess a lie can sound a lot cooler than the truth.

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I love entertaining people. I crave their attention, and I’m addicted to their laughs. I have a need to please. I yearn to be accepted, wanted, and loved. But I also know when my time is up. I tend to avoid sticking around for too long, maybe because I’m afraid someone will eventually see the real me.

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The truth is, I’m just something people enjoy ‘til they get bored. When the lights turn off and the jokes stop rolling, I’m terrified you’ll see how damaged I really am—and leave.

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Whenever I get too close to someone who ends up leaving, I always stop and wonder: Did I say too much? Did I share too much? Did I feel too much? Did I scare you away with my awkwardness?

Suddenly, I want all my secrets back. I want all my thoughts back.

I’m sorry that I care too much, that I think too much, that I feel too much. I’m sorry I do too much.

I’m sorry for being me.

So, who should I be today? Maybe I’ll make a joke to distract you from my pain. Maybe then you’ll stay.

LEAVE A COMMMENT
41 COMMENTS
  • Jacqueline
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    Girl. I get you. I feel that I have nothing to offer and then people will get bored and leave too. I always feel vulnerable to judgement and abandonment, and that I’m incompetent. Serious daddy issues over here lol.

  • Adrian
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    You’re beautiful because you’re broken. Don’t let that stop you from being who you are.

    • Melissa Vaughn
      March 31, 2017 / Reply

      I agree with Adrian. Life is a mess. Is it any wonder that I’m a mess? But life is also far from static, so how many of my experiences were really a waste? I learned from all of them. Therefore, I am a unique, loving, broken creature, and I won’t change for anyone…ever again. Be you….always.

  • Zach
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    Thats really strong!

  • Xio
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    It took me such a long time to realize that I didn’t have to put on a show. I struggle with it sometimes. I’ve stopped the people pleasing and started thinking about me first. Eventually you will get better at realizing whomever doesn’t appreciate all your extremeness shouldn’t be in your life.

  • Terry A
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    Guys feel this way too. And it is terrifying. You are not alone. If you are like me, it gets worse when you don’t feel like being funny. People don’t know how to react to the normally hilarious now being serious or moody person. Hang in there. 🙂

  • Adrian Mendoza
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    Im usually not the the type to comment on anything. Unless it’s something I’m passionate about, and wish to make a statement. However, after reading your blog i started to think, is it weird that i feel you described me…. enjoyed your blog. Thnx

  • Patrycja
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    Don’t worry Violet, you’re not alone. I don’t think there’s anyone, who knows the real me, cause I don’t let people see this part of me. I’m too scared they’re gonna think I’m awkward, boring or just not enough. I know I can’t please everyone but I still try. It sucks to be me..

  • Nick
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    Did you happen to listen to the new Lorde track before writing this?

    All of those different faces, they are all still you, and you should love that about yourself. Whatever doubts are sitting behind them, it’s just another side of you. The people you keep in your life will be OK with all of it.

    • Violet Benson
      March 15, 2017 / Reply

      YES. after a few seconds of listening to her song I was inspired to write this and literally banged this out so fast. I know it’s something a lot of people can relate too. I know we all just want to be accepted and loved and understood.

      • Ki
        March 16, 2017 / Reply

        Lorde track Bless girl! Really glad I clicked your insta story and took the time to read this. Recently cut off too of my closest friends. You begin to wonder how can you trust anyone? Is everyone two faced? The feeling of giving so much of you then wanting all your secrets back. Ugh #feelz

  • Sennett
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    We are not our thoughts, we just have them and we certainly can’t trust them. Helps me to get out of my head. Come to yoga one of these days, it can make sense of this stuff.

    • Violet Benson
      March 15, 2017 / Reply

      Thanks babe. Lets do boxing instead!

      • Seda
        May 7, 2017 / Reply

        yoga and boxing , both!

    • Rob
      March 15, 2017 / Reply

      Sennett from Hot8?

  • Kyle
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    No one should ever be ashamed for who they are. We’re all weird and wonderful and compromising that to shape shift for someone is bullshit. We all gotta lift and build one another up instead of putting each other down. So say what you mean and feel because those that matter will stick around!

  • Christina
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    I think that a lot of people can relate to what you wrote here. We are all actors to a certain degree. I would encourage you to just be you. Once you are happy with who you are, you won’t care what other people think. Never have regrets, have life lessons. Sending you extra love. ❤

  • Rob
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    Cold comfort, I know, but the older you get the less you’ll care about what other people think or want. This isn’t a universal truth, but it’s generally true. And it doesn’t mean you turn into a jerk; it just means you stop wasting energy on people who don’t accept you for who you are.

    • Seda
      May 7, 2017 / Reply

      absolutely!

  • Anna
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    Hi three! I’ve been following you (FUCK I’m a stalker) for a while now. It started with your genius memes. After the Snapchat, mostly because of pancakes. Now this, teared up a little. You have so many talents and creativity. Don’t underestimate yourself! You can do it all. Much love from Europe.

  • Nick D
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    Nicely written..I think we can all relate to those thoughts & situations but not actually admit it

  • Elissa
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    You were really brave for sharing this, thank you<3 If you feel like you're putting masks on all the time, it's seriously time to stop and think about what is that YOU want. Who would you be if you didn't have to please anyone? How and who would you be if you weren't afraid of people not liking you?

  • TC
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    Violet, Violet, Violet. Never ever apologize for who you are. We all have different faces that we show to people. When you meet the right person, they won’t look at you as damaged. They will view your scars as little cracks they can fill with their love.
    #alwaysbeyourself

  • eebs
    March 15, 2017 / Reply

    I’ve never related to something I’ve read more than this blog. Thank you for making so many women out there feel like they’re not alone, Violet. You’re kind of amazing.

    • eebs
      March 15, 2017 / Reply

      This: “Every day I wake up and I put on a show. I give people what they want. Every time I meet someone—whether it’s work related, a new friend, or a fan—I wonder: Who does this person want me to be? Once I figure it out, like a puppet, I act it out.”

      ME IN A NUTSHELL <3

    • Violet Benson
      March 16, 2017 / Reply

      <3

  • Lucia
    March 16, 2017 / Reply

    I know how you feel, I feel the same. Sometimes I end up leaving before that person leaves me, even if it hurts. I play it cool, pretending not to care about what people think, but the truth is that I do care. And I care A LOT. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. Lucy_p11

    • Lucia
      March 16, 2017 / Reply

      That’s my Snap just FYI haha
      Have a lovely day and remember people are going to love the real you, even if you don’t think so. And if they don’t, it’s their lost, not yours.

  • ravi
    March 21, 2017 / Reply

    Just be you

  • Allison Mackie @mackkkme
    March 21, 2017 / Reply

    You’re dope. I always check out your page and I would be just as invested if you didn’t post the things you did. I LOVE and accept you for who you are, no matter what. I try to be that way with all people, you make it easy. You might have many colors but you are an honest rainbow, not a fable. Do u❤️

  • Sr
    March 27, 2017 / Reply

    I’m the same way… recently I realized it’s called boarderline personality disorder.

  • Zulema
    March 30, 2017 / Reply

    Wow I love your blogs and I watch your snaps all day . I can totally relate to a lot of it thank you so much for keeping it real and being raw with your emotions yet know how to make dark jokes out of serious situations lol . You lighten up my day with your snaps and blogs ! Thank you !❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  • Lily
    April 3, 2017 / Reply

    Damn u really know how to write “it” (undescribed feelings of being a worthless human being ever).. I’ve been feeling like that for years.. N am so afraid of falling in love again.. Love now means nothing to me.. I mean i still believe in it but not in any thing that related to having a soulmate..

  • Bethie
    April 25, 2017 / Reply

    This post touched my soul. So raw and vulnerable. Especially about using humor as a protective layer. I use it to distance others from me and seeing the real me. I’m in a situation now where I put my all into someone and they are still not asking me out. Boy bye!

    PS
    I’m a huge fan of yours!

  • Lauren
    April 25, 2017 / Reply

    I feel like I just read an entry from my own hearts diary ( if I were more well worded) It’s a heavy feeling. It’s like getting a “fix” of social approval then falling back into a ditch when you’re lonely.

  • Seda
    May 7, 2017 / Reply

    I feel passionately about this and can also relate as well as do a lot of people. It can be super hard not to feel deflated because yes, people have failed me and feel disappointed and why don’t they love me or stay or why aren’t I enough? It’s a battle but be love and let love win and believe!

  • Seda
    May 7, 2017 / Reply

    It’s all normal. It’s the roller-coaster of life. I’d love to hear how people get through? I’m in a battle constantly with being addicted to hope staying positive but also terrified of being hurt so how will I let anyone in again? how do you guys?
    p.s love the blog and love you Violet!

  • Meg
    May 10, 2017 / Reply

    Violet this is beautiful, and so raw and true.
    You always make me laugh, you are so hilarious.
    But when you write this, you also make me feel like it’s okay to be myself, you make me feel secure on a deeper level.
    Both sides of you are beautiful, and both are needed in life.

  • Kathryn
    May 10, 2017 / Reply

    Hi, long time fan here, especially of your writing…I need advice, I’m stuck in a relationship I know thats not good for me. Emotionally and physically abused, but I still love him, I don’t know why. I’ve been with him for 2 years and we just keep going through the same cycles. I can’t stop lovingH

  • Antonette
    May 11, 2017 / Reply

    You are a very talented writer sista! You should read the book “Why Men Love Bitches”. I’ve been EXACTLY where you are. That book helped me out immensely

  • Mathew Allen
    May 25, 2017 / Reply

    Is it weird that I’m a guy and and I feel the same way? And find it relatable?