If you’re a big fan of Game of Thrones like me then you’ve come to the right place! Here’s a quick recap of the season 5 finale to get you up to speed before diving into Season 6.
— Arya Stark goes blind (as punishment) after disobeying Jaqen H’ghar of the Faceless Men at Braavos by abandoning orders to steal a false face from the temple, which she uses to kill Meryn Trant.
— Jon Snow has yet to make sweet sweet love to me.
— Jon Snow is called a traitor for helping the Wildlings and is stabbed to death by his buddies at Castle Black Night’s Watch. (He would have been much safer in my arms.)
— Daenerys’s people rebel and attempt to kill her but her dragon, Drogon, swoops in to save her. Drogon must be a man because he refuses to ask for directions and gets himself and Daenerys lost. He drops her in the middle of nowhere (or so it seems), and then flies away. Unfortunately, Dorthraki horsemen soon appear out of nowhere and encircle her.
— Tyrion Lannister and Varys are left to rule Meereen while Daenerys is busy being kidnapped.
— Jorah and Daario go off in search of Daenerys.
— Jorah, who caught Greyscale, which is literally worse than herpes since there’s no cure and it’s fatal, decides to keep his disease a secret, even as it spreads. (I bet so many people wish their exes had Greyscale instead of herps. Sorry, sugar tits!)
— Sansa Stark finally gets the courage and opportunity to escape Ramsay Bolton of Winterfell who is quite a romantic, if you consider a sociopathic lunatic rapist a romantic. Reek (formerly known as Theon Greyjoy) proves himself to Sansa when he defends her by killing the daughter of Winterfell’s keeper. Fed up with the abuse of romantical Ramsay, Reek and Sansa escape Winterfell together.
— If there was a spin-off show of Game Of Thrones called “Worst Week Ever,” Stannis Baratheon would definitely win it. After burning his daughter alive in the name of black magic, his wife (whom he hates anyway) hangs herself, and half of his army abandons him because most of their food was stolen or destroyed by their enemies. Stannis, who has nothing to lose at this point, decides to lead his remaining forces to their deaths by heading to Winterfell and being destroyed by the Boltons. Although his army is slaughtered (a no-brainer to everyone besides Stannis), the guy manages to survive somehow. Unfortunately (again) for Stannis, Brienne of Tarth appears to kills him out of vengeance for her beloved Renly’s death.
— In case you forgot, Cersei Lannister was forced to strip down and walk home after being imprisoned by the Faith of Militant for committing numerous crimes, including banging her beautiful brother (and cousin). The Faith of Militant escorts her the whole way back to King’s Landing while ringing a bell and chanting “shame.” At Kings Landing’s, everyone’s invited to stone Cersaei, throw food at her, spit on her, flash her, and call her terrible names. (If someone would please follow me around yelling “shame” every time I tried to eat past 8 PM, that would be great!) This abuse marks the beginning of Cersei’s emotional and mental breakdown after several seasons during which she was portrayed as a strong, undefeatable character. She is still supposed to stand trial to determine her guilt or innocence (although something tells me that will not be happening.)
— Margaery Tyrell and Loras Tyrell are still enjoying prison.
— Jamie Lannister attempts to bring his daughter/niece home after Cersei receives a threat from Drone regarding Myrcella’s well-being. Unfortunately, Ellaria Sand and her daughters, The Sand Snakes, have other plans for Myrcella. Just as we think Myrcella is in the clear, Ellaria gives her a poisonous kiss goodbye as vengeance for Oberyn’s death at the hand of the Mountain. Moments before her death, Myrcella tells Jamie Lannister that she knows he’s her father and that she loves him. This touching moment is of course followed by Myrcella’s death because the Game of Thrones writers don’t want us to be happy. Ever.
— Quick update, I still love Jon Snow
Other notable things that happened:
— Winter is coming and the army of White Walkers beyond the wall continues to grow.
— Bran Stark is beyond the wall studying with the three eyes raven.
— Balon Greyjoy is stewing on Pyke after his failed takeover of the North.
— Brynden Tully has been missing ever since the bloody events of the Red Wedding in Season 3.
Things to expect:
One thing Game of Thrones does not lack is gruesome murders. That is why I am suspicious every time I don’t get to see someone fully die. There are quite a few people I am expecting to return in future seasons, including but not limited to: Stannis Baratheon, since we never actually see Brienne kill him; The Hound, who is believed to be dead (I refuse to believe this until I see it with my own eyes); and of course Jon Snow, whose return I have complete faith in even though his “besties” at Castle Black witnessed his murder… and by witnessed I mean stabbed him to death.