Broken Inside

May 13, 2018 by Violet Benson

Two years ago, depression snuck up on me when I wasn’t looking. Today I am doing much better, although I’m only human and I’ve been battling anxiety and depression my whole life, so I do still experience bad days from time to time. The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to talk about mental health so I can understand why I feel the way I do and rise above it. I also want to share my story in hopes that it might help others. Below is an excerpt from my diary from around the time I was really struggling.

 

***

 

[08/13/16]

 

SILENT TEARS

Sitting here, thinking about it all

It’s like hanging off a cliff and I’m about to fall

Feeling so empty, but that’s nothing new

I’ve been depressed all day and the day before that too

For all that I’ve loved, it seems like I’ve loved alone

My heart is barley beating as it’s turning into stone

If I had to sit and think of all the things I love

My name wouldn’t be something that I would even think of

How could I be so lost, when it seems like I’ve got it all

No matter how much I have, I can’t help but feel so small

I wish I could explain all this pain that I’m feeling

Focusing on the negative, there’s just no time for healing

So broken on the inside, I just want to cry

But when I’m around my friends, I just smile nod and lie

It’s becoming such a burden, how much I’m holding in

I want to let it out, but I don’t know where to begin

I want to speak up, hoping you’ll set me free

But these silent tears I’m crying, no one can rescue me

 

Over the last few months, I’ve been too embarrassed to admit to anyone, including those closest to me, that I’ve sunken into depression. I didn’t realize how broken I was until every time I laughed, I wanted to cry. To be honest, I haven’t been myself for quite some time now but nobody seems to notice. I guess I’ve just gotten so good at pretending to be okay because I never want to disappoint or bother anyone with my sadness.

I’ve been fighting this battle with myself, and I feel like I’m losing. I feel like I’m losing hope, purpose, and control to the point that some days, I don’t want to wake up at all.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal? How did I get here?

I have everything these days, so sometimes I think it’s all in my head. But if that’s the case, then why do I still feel so empty inside? Why does my body feel so paralyzed? Why is my heart filled with darkness and why is my mind filled with so many negative thoughts?

The thing about depression is that it doesn’t only affect you. It slowly begins to affect everyone around you, too. I know this because it’s affecting my relationships, my job, and even my health. I’m sorry for all of the relationships I’ve sabotaged in the past couple of months and to all of the people I’ve hurt in the process, while I was hurting.

Please don’t hate me. I already hate myself enough.

I’ve been such a Debbie Downer lately, which is why I’ve been distancing myself from all of my friends. To be honest, I just don’t want to be a burden. I must be so annoying to be around and it’s getting harder to fake it and put on a happy face. I’m not even really sure what day it is anymore since I’ve been so tired lately.

Sometimes I wake up, realize I’m still here, and then close my eyes and go back to sleep because that’s a few extra hours I don’t have to be me and it feels really nice.

When I can’t sleep anymore, I like to just lay in bed and stare at the wall for a few hours while the negative thoughts creep up on me. I swear my daily routine consists of emotionally eating, sleeping, and repeating.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the last guy I dated (things didn’t exactly end well) Tweeted about how good it feels to see that his ex isn’t doing so great and that she’s gotten fat. Ouch. That hurts, B. I wish I could have told you what I was going through, but you changed your number. I never meant to hurt you. I was projecting negativity onto you, but my pain was never about you. Please stop trying to break me. I am so broken as it is. I guess I’ve been so busy being depressed, that I didn’t even realize I’d gained any weight. I’ll just add that to the list of everything that’s wrong with me.

 

***

 

Shortly after writing the above journal entry, I realized that my depression was affecting my health. Once I recognized what I was experiencing, I forced myself to get help. First, I called my mum and we cried for two hours straight, which surprisingly made me feel better. It almost felt like the minute I said I was depressed out loud, it set me free— like I no longer had to keep my dirty little secret, like I was no longer a prisoner of depression. Then I started seeing a therapist.

Today, I continue to work on myself and am slowly regaining a sense of purpose.  Although I’m not fully healed, I have managed to get back to a much better place. I really believe that recognizing you’re depressed is the first step to recovery—and that’s why I’m sharing this with all of you.

Sometimes we’re so focused on seeing the good in everyone else around us that we forget to look at ourselves. Sometimes we get so caught up in helping everyone else that we forget to help ourselves. Remember to work on yourself and put your happiness first. Life is worth living so let’s stop taking it for granted.

There were all these times you thought you wouldn’t survive but here you are, give yourself a pat on the back that you’ve made it this far. So who gives a fuck if you’re broken, don’t you understand that that’s the most beautiful thing about you? I wish you could see what everyone else sees. It’s your imperfections that make you so god damn perfect and unique.

You are so much more loveable and more beautiful than you give yourself credit. Don’t ever feel embarrassed for being sad, it means that you’re human and you’re feeling and that’s beautiful. There really is so much love and beauty in this world if you just start paying attention ­— if only you realized that it starts with you.

Please be gentle to yourself, please be as kind and loving to yourself as you are to others, and please please PLEASE don’t take social media so seriously. I think we live in a time where people are more depressed than ever before and a lot of it has to do with social media. I want to continue to use my platforms to help others because I know what it’s like to feel completely worthless and unlovable, and have this darkness inside of you, like there is something wrong with you, and I never want anyone else to feel the way I felt.

I am so thankful for this life that God gave me and feel blessed to have this voice to be able to help others. That is my purpose and my reason for smiling. Making you laugh, helping you feel like you’re not alone, and putting a smile on your face is what keeps me going.

Lastly, before you go, if there is one last thing I can leave you with, it would be this:

“People can be so quiet about their pain, that you forget they are hurting. That is why it is so important to always be kind.”

LEAVE A COMMMENT

74 COMMENTS
  • Kat
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    Hi! Ive been in a similar place. Idk if you like reading books lol but Zen and The Art of Happiness is a quick and good read. It helped me see things a little different.. take it a day at a time 🙂 you got this. <3

  • Christy B
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    I started on anti depressants yesterday and here I am reading your post knowing exactly how you felt when writing this. Thank you for using your platform to share your story! I am a successful women and have everything at my fingertips and yet so empty.I appreciate it more than you could ever know!

  • Maddie
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    I loved what you wrote because it might be difficult to express, but it is the closest you can explain to how you feel. Many people with depression can not put what they are feeling into words and the fact that you did shows great awareness. don’t give up

  • Chelsea
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you for witing this. I felt like you wrote down my own thoughts. You are not alone 🙂

    Sending love from Victoria BC Canada

  • Pee-Chee
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing! It’s as if you spoke for me. I pray you continue to heal…praying the same for myself. God bless you always.❤️

  • Vee
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    I couldnt help but cry reading this. This really got me.
    Thanks for sharing.

  • Jeff Cross
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    Violet, thank you for opening up about your struggles. I follow your Instagram to laugh with you because I often need it. I have a good life, but still struggle myself. I’m afraid to tell the people around me because they rely on me for strength. Know your poem & word have reached someone. Me…

  • Michy
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    I can honestly say that I completely relate to the feelings you expressed in your journal entry. It’s a relief to know that other people, as yourself, have felt or feel lost and worthless, makes me feel normal and not ashamed of having anxiety or depression. So thanks for sharing , it helps!

  • Love
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you for sharing. This was beautifully written. ❤️

  • Lacey Fresh
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    Omg!! This post spoke to me in so many ways. Thank you

    I’ve followed you for awhile now. And anytime I’m having a horrible day I make myself go to your IG or Snap & I always end up smiling. Thank you for that!

  • Kat
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    You’re an amazing human, Violet. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your account. There is so much strength in your vulnerability and so much encouragement to those feeling similarly. I sincerely appreciate you and admire you for your candor. Positive vibes and love to you. xx

  • Ashley
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you

  • Jeff
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    Violet
    We’re not meant to do it alone. It’s so courageous of you to share your pain and that is what helps, you and others to know that we’re not alone. The women will save your life, as the men in my life save mine.
    Thank you!
    J

  • Hannah Giles
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    This hits so close to home for me. I’ve been battling depression since I was 13 it’s been a very bumpy long road, but like you I’ve come out the other side! I still have my black periods(that’s what I call them) but they don’t last as long as they used to! Thanks for being an inspiration Violet. xx

  • Ruthy
    May 13, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you.

  • Catarina
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    I feel the same way and I’m only 20. High school made me lose it. I was tired from being bullied since I was a kid, my “friends” told me that I just wanted attention. I closed myself so I don’t hurt anyone, never had a relationship, don’t have anyone I can really count on apart from my family

  • Neha Mishra
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    I can truely feel this all. I have been through the exact same things.
    Glad to know that I am not the only one surviving this alone.

  • Catarina
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    I felt like a ghost and I ended up look up at celebs/influencers that are honest about it and I share bits of my story of depression. When I do, even if no one reads I like to think that I will help someone. Thank you for sharing and btw you’re pretty funny!!! You’ll get better. All the ♡ for you!

  • Nicole
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    This is beautiful. I really enjoyed reading it and am proud to know you. I hope more and more people continue to follow you on your platforms because you’re doing so much good for the world by just being you. <3

  • sherry
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    thank u for sharing this & being so honest, bc you’re right: mental health needs to be discussed more. I’ve battled w depression & now anxiety everyday. what I find helpful is distracting myself: watching movie, reading, talking to friends. when you’re left alone w your thoughts… (contd)

  • sherry
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    …too long, your mind tends to wander. continue to see your therapist. failed relationships def don’t help, I know, but you’ll only grow stronger from it. trust me. F those jerks, u keep doing u, keep your chin up

  • Marc
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story Violet.

  • Tom
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Dear Violet,
    I was very moved by what you wrote. Some of us are always trying to make others laugh, the smokescreen we deploy to hide our own pain.
    I hope you remember your own words when times are tough, because they rang true and made me write this. Your imperfections are what make you beautiful

  • M
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Read You’re A Badass by Jen Sincero

  • Kelsie
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you so much for sharing ❤

  • Marley
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Hey hey! I’ve had anxiety my whole life and I found that getting regular body work (massage) REALLY REALLY helped. By releasing endorphins and making me relax it trained my brain to do that more in real life. You’re strong! You can get through this

  • Anuj
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Hi Violet.I like the idea of you sharing this with public.It definitely would help lots of people. I would really appreciate it if you write something about, how you dealt with dyslexia How you came to know you had it. Its still a question if i have dyslexia. And people ignore this issue. Love U

  • annamerissa
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    oh goodness, i needed to read something like this. it’s so helpful knowing you’re not the only one.

  • Heather
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Love! I feel like im finally seeing the light again. I’ve been fighting my entire life, my depression and anxiety. I thought something was wrong with me. Now I see that it’s my DEEP FEELING that makes me so Friggin Special! The world needs our sensitivities. We need to fight. We are worth it!

  • Heather
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you Violet. You’re doing what you’re meant to do. Keep on, keeping on. ❤️

  • Jasmine
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Wow, I’m really astonished. You described sooo good how I’ve felt the last few months, the pain, the self hate, the apathy, etc. But what you added after really touched me, because it’s so true. I’ve come so far and this proves I’m strong enough to get through this. Thank you so so much, with love❤️

  • Kat
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    So deep and so true! Thanks for writing this and sharing it. Much love

  • Clara
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    I hope you know how amazing this journal is. You are amazing. Thank you for putting these feelings into words.

  • Nadia
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    This is beautiful, Thank you

  • Rania
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    This was beautiful and really helped me. Just what I needed to hear 🙂
    Stay strong Violet! You’ll get through this too ❤️

  • Karin
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you Violet for sharing this. I’ve also been struggling with these things throughout my life and reading about your depression has given me comfort, Someone has been through the same and it makes me feel less dark and twisted and alone, I guess haha. You are very strong and brave.

  • Dori
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    I’m not going to go through the cliched spiel of how you’re pretty, smart, and successful (well enough to need interns)! Listen, first step is to stop hating yourself. Second step is to find a therapist (if you don’t already have one) and then switch if you’re not feeling him/her.

  • Dori
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Cont’d: I have seen ppl switch a few until they find “the one”. (Yes, “the one” applies to therapists too!). Talk therapy is like silent magic that can take months (even yrs) to work. Lastly, meds (last resort). I’m a RPh, so if you have questions; I’ll be around. You WILL get through this!

  • Dori
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    BTW, the ppl you choose to be around will matter A LOT during these dark moments; choose wisely. Love and support comes in different forms and so do assholes. I’m very impressed that you revealed something so deep and personal. You have my support.

  • RoseAnna
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    There’s so many levels to this. Thank you for sharing

  • Jane
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    You’re sooooo annoying and just want attention by jumping in on the “I have anxiety” bandwagon

  • Jane
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    And your poetry is lame

  • Angel Robles
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Violet:
    Thank you for these words. I have been fighting depression and anxiety my whole life. Now I watch my oldest daughter do the same. People need to hear words like this more often. I know of a book that you should read. It helps. If you’re interested, let me know.

  • Raquel
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Thanks for sharing! I had no idea you went through so much. You’re beautiful and you make my days better with your light and sense of humour. You’re never alone 🙂

  • Leigha Crumbley
    May 14, 2018 / Reply

    Dear Violet,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am seeing my first therapist tomorrow, ever. I am usually a very happy and inspired person, but depression, too, I feel has absolutely crept up on me. Reading your story is inspiring- thank you deeply for sharing. Xx Leigha

  • Sheetal
    May 15, 2018 / Reply

    Every word here is just so honest and relatable to me. I went through the same phase for 4 years and now finally I feel like for the first time in years I’m feeling positive. I still deal with dark days but the difference now is that I keep going and don’t stop.
    Really appreciate your post.

  • Brittany
    May 15, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you so much for writing this. I’m an addict with 4 months clean and now that I’ve stopped numbing myself daily, I’ve been struggling with major depression for the last couple of months. It’s just nice to know that I’m not alone in this battle and others understand.

  • Savanah
    May 15, 2018 / Reply

    This helped me so much! I’ve been feeling the way of your diary entry for a couple months and feeling like talking about my problems is just annoying the people around me. Because of you I’m going to ask for help! Thank you so much!!

  • Robin Jones
    May 15, 2018 / Reply

    This is me!! Been broken my whole life and now as I age, it gets worse a mbd my husband died 3 months ago. At this age, I doubt my wiring can be fixed.

    • Che Thornbury
      May 26, 2018 / Reply

      I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been through all of that. Much love to you ❤️
      I’ve recovered from crippling PTSD that I never thought I would get through. It took hitting rock bottom though, if you think you’re there then be your own project, every little win is huge. I believe in you x

  • Mikayla
    May 16, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you for this.

  • Character limits so. I apologize in advance to DM you.
    May 18, 2018 / Reply

    I may be vaguely drunk, and was going to send a message through IG (the way I know of this blog) I don’t like doing that. A DM feels too personal and invasive. I might still do it though just to convey this comment. Since it seems no one else comments on the blog. Or at least this post…
    Shit.

  • n
    May 20, 2018 / Reply

    jjjj

  • Martin Avila
    May 24, 2018 / Reply

    Wow it is amazing 2 realize that somebody so happy on the outside and life of the party is battling things like this but it is good for you to let people know. I have suffered through depression and anxiety so I know exactly what you are I’m going through or have been through

  • Che Thornbury
    May 26, 2018 / Reply

    This is SOOO brave, Violet.

    Two & a half years ago I went through the same thing, made a list of everything I hated about my life & all of the hypothetical ways I could change those things. Two years later I had fixed everything. I lost friends, but found myself, and that was all that mattered. ❤️

  • Jessica Morefield
    May 29, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you lots!! You make me feel normal!! Everyone is going through something and always feeling judged because of social media..you are real and honest! Thanks for being real! And beautiful!

  • June
    May 29, 2018 / Reply

    Beautiful strong relatable words. Thank you for sharing

  • TRA35
    May 29, 2018 / Reply

    Emo

  • Alex
    June 3, 2018 / Reply

    I understand you so much, used to feel the same. Antidepressants just made things worse, tried everything, going outside, working out and healthy eating seemed to help most. At the end got convinced by a friend to do some Scientology, and to my doubtness, I found my answers, never felt bad again. XO

  • Feb
    June 6, 2018 / Reply

    so deep, tbh im still battling depression n reading this makes me cry :'(

  • Brooke b
    June 14, 2018 / Reply

    i literally don’t know what to do anymore and literally don’t recognize myself. I’ve pushed everyone so far away I have no one, not even myself. It seems so hopeless.I don’t even care anymore. But I WANT To care I want to live and be happy, WHY CANT I HAVE THAT, what did I do to deserve this?!killme

  • Nicole
    June 17, 2018 / Reply

    I absolutely love this & you

  • Alex
    June 18, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you so much for this! I’ve been lost for the last few months, beyond depressed and just recently accepted my situation. I am eliminating stressors in my life and reading as much as possible on the subject of depression. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing this with all of us.

  • Reet
    June 18, 2018 / Reply

    I literally cried when i was reading this.. I loved your thoughts and i could relate with it sooo much that at this point i m feeling that there was some purpose so i could read all your beautiful and pure thoughts. THANK YOU so much for sharing this.
    May god bless u Dear…

  • Mollie
    June 26, 2018 / Reply

    That poem was beautiful!! You are a great writer. I can relate to a lot of this, thank you for sharing ❤️❤️

  • Dee
    June 28, 2018 / Reply

    Your Instagram has had a special way of helping when I’ve needed as someone that has been through the same. I believe it must be a sign reading your blog post learning about your experience, you wanting to help others, very moving. Thank you truly for sharing. Stay strong & keep up the great work

  • Sati
    July 1, 2018 / Reply

    I love all of your posts so much ❤️ just reading them every day helps with my anxiety and depression. You always have the funniest, truest, and kindest things to say and I really appreciate all that you do! So thank you so so much! ILY❤️❤️

  • Carol
    July 2, 2018 / Reply

    I was raised to smile though your heart is breaking And I did and still do if necessary. So gald your doing better.

    • Carol
      July 2, 2018 / Reply

      Read above please thank you

  • Oriane
    July 4, 2018 / Reply

    I loved reading this. I think i’m fighting with depression too and as yoi said it comes and go, but reading this defintely helps to know we’re not alone and that it’s normal not to be happy all the time. thank you for these words, thank you for making us understand that we shouldnt be ashamed ❤️

  • Bailey
    July 6, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you so much for sharing your story

  • Jonathan
    July 8, 2018 / Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story, your struggles, your every day life. I’ve struggled with depression all of my life and have come close to ending it a few times, but have been blessed with awesome friends who love me unconditionally, which makes it worse. (Contd)

  • Jonathan
    July 8, 2018 / Reply

    Because I try to hide it more from them. I definitely hate being a burden but it’s not a burden. That’s what true family & friends are for. To bring you up when you’re feeling down. Thx again for sharing and shining a light on this dark disease. Let’s all take it one day at time, one step at a time.

  • Anthony
    October 13, 2018 / Reply

    There’s a lot of people who feel the same way and are going through it alone and not brave enough to share your an inspiration and a hero for sharing keep fighting the good fight